Release.

Happy New Year!

I try to avoid making resolutions for a new year just because the abstract passage of time says I should. But it’s hard not to feel refreshed and rejuvenated after the long slog of relentless holiday activities. Without presents to wrap, errands to run, or endless parties to attend, it feels somewhat inevitable that we can use this time to better ourselves.

I’ve found I like to make a list of goals for the year, revisit them occasionally, and then see how I did at the end of the year. Some goals I achieved (published articles, ran a half-marathon). Others I did not (organize all those photos). I tend to set goals for the physical, spiritual and intellectual facets of my life because the emphasis on losing weight and getting fit for two weeks of the year drives me crazy. I like to plan a year with goals that I can work toward with a lifestyle I can maintain, not starve myself and workout at the gym for an hour only to burn out two weeks later.

Another New Year’s trend I’ve noticed the past few years is choosing a word for the year. Now this was something I could get behind: a word to guide your actions throughout the year and well…it’s a word! I love words. They’re my love language. I love to speak them, hear them, read them and write them. So last year, as a new era in my life began, I chose a word for the year: presence.

I don’t want to spend a whole post reflecting on how I did or did not measure up to this word in 2018. I definitely had moments where I spent entirely too much time on my phone instead of playing with my kids, but I feel I also spent more time with my kids this past year than I have before.

This leads me to my word for 2019. I thought about the word intentional for a long time. So much of  2018 was just saying “yes” to everything because I wasn’t sure what to do with all this time as a stay-at-home mom. I said “yes” to jobs and volunteer opportunities because I did not want to become an obsolete dinosaur without any recent and relevant work experience. But when my husband and I reflected back on weekends, vacations, holidays and other fun events, some of our favorite memories were just “being.” Some of our favorite holiday memories were when we would forgo an event and go out to dinner, just the four of us, look at Christmas lights and bake cookies. Or a lazy evening at home with popcorn and a Christmas movie. So I’m feeling I may want to be more intentional this year with my time and commitments.

I thought this would be my word of the year until I read a blog that offered up many suggestions of words. One caught my eye: release. I could feel a weight lift off my shoulders and my heart the minute I read that word: release. Ahhh. I began to ponder all this word could mean for my life. Release my expectations. Release what I think are other’s expectations of me. Release all the “I shoulds.” Release the guilt. I realized I couldn't be intentional if I was holding on to these. I couldn't make clear decisions through the fog of expectations and guilt. 

I pondered this word for a few days and then l listened to Emily P Freeman’s Blessing for a New Year. (It’s just a short three-minute blessing that I highly recommend listening or reading). In it, she talks about the bags we carry and how “If we don’t pay attention, those self-packing bags tend to fill up heavy with burdens we don’t need.” She goes on to beautifully describe how we tend to fill those bags with shame, comparison, and fear and how her hope for the new year is that we replace these with the lighter items of courage, laughter, creativity, and love.

Wow.

As a chronic over-packer, I could relate. But emotionally, this really touched my heart. So many of my decisions and actions are all based on what I should be doing. And while Freeman doesn’t explicitly say “release,” I felt like it was the unspoken (unwritten) word at the center of this blessing - whispered in the background. Instead of shame about my lack of career, comparison of all I don’t do that others do, and fear-based decisions, what if I released the “should” and replaced it with the “could?” What if I released the guilt of what I should be and accepted who I am? What if I replaced my fear of finding freelance jobs or volunteer opportunities and never entering the workforce again and replaced it with courage and creativity? What if I released the shame about myself and all my insecurities and replaced them with love and grace?

But before I can replace anything, I must release. I must release societal expectations and all the expectations I place on myself. I want to strip down the strong callouses I’ve built to reveal my vulnerable self. And once vulnerable, I hope to discover who that person is inside.

But to do this, I must release.

And so my word of the year is: release.

This post grew a bit longer than imagined, and so I will begin next week by posting something I want to release that week. It may be something small, it may be something big. But my goal for this year is to post one burden I want to release each week, finishing this year 52 burdens lighter than in 2018.

Won’t you join me?